So me and Grandma logged into that World Wide Web and took a look at the Nature's Turkey® website, and what they said on TV was true; you could get get a turkey with pig genes spliced in for a nice hammy taste, or yam genes spliced for a sweet potato flavor, and on and on and on, whatever you liked. You could even specify what herbal formula they'd feed your bird as it was growin' up. It really was a whole meal in one bird! And best of all, it was cheaper than them conventionally grown turkeys!
There was this big tank in the middle of the mall - some sorta aquarium, full of oxygenated juice -- what had dozens o' these newfangled turkeys all swimmin' around in it.
The Chevronsanto man explained to us that they were born and raised aquatic. That way, they didn't have to worry about gravity, and they could grow up bigger, plumper, juicier and more tender.
So we gave the girl our confirmation code, and she punches it into her computer, and it sends some kinda signal into the tank that alerts our turkey that it's time to come out and be eaten.
Of course, the turkey doesn't know it's gonna be eaten; it actually thinks this is the signal to come and get fed. Little does it realize, when it swims through that tiny hatchway, it's gonna end up inside a special super-microwave oven.
They said the computer would calibrate the oven to cook the bird at precisely the right time and temperature for the size of bird it was, etc. etc. It took about two minutes.
And then out it popped, all Therma-Seal'ed up and ready to go.

Hell, it used to take hours to cook one o' them conventional turkeys! You can bet Grandma was pleased she didn't have to spend the whole day in a hot kitchen.
Later that day, the whole family was all settled down at the dinner table. We said our prayers, and Grandma unsealed the turkey and brought it to the table. I tell ya, it smelled deee-licous! We could hardly wait to dig in!
Sure enough, that Nature's Turkey® jumps right off the dinner table, slips and slides across the kitchen floor and finally bolts through Bowser's dog door.

We didn't try to stop it.
It ran out into the street as fast as its little duck-legs could carry it, which was pretty fast, considerin'.

We all crept up to the window to take a look...
It looked like everybody else in the neighborhood was havin' the same problem. Apparently that oven-thing down at the food mall must not've been workin' proper.